BODKIN BUYS A LOBSTER
(This essay shows Bodkin's preoccupation with food and changes (usually for the worse) in contemporary eating habits; a cookery school has opened in Dundee; Tibbie catches the rage for innovation from his partner Willie Clippins's wife Mary Ann, and determines to try her hand at lobster sauce-with alarming consequences) |
| MAISTER EDITOR, -- I let fa'
a hint some time ago that Tibbie's sentiments in regaird
to the Cookery Skule had undergane a sudden, not to say
an unaccoontable revolution. On first hearin' that an
institution o' the kind was aboot to be startit, she
expressed hersel' weel pleased thereanent; but, for some
reason or ither, she has latterly embraced every occasion
that offered to speak aboot it in a manner that, to say
the least o't, is not respectfu'. Noo, I never meet in
wi' an effect but I incontinently set aboot lookin' for
the cause thereof, for a cause there maun be for
everything under the sun, an' Tibbie's contempt for the
Cookery Skule can be nae exception to the rule. She
professes to grund her objections to the Skule on the
fact that the teachin' therein imparted is not confined
to kail, parritch, an' petawtis, but extends to
puddin's,pastry, and sic like foreign fiummery; but if
the truth daur be tauld -- an' especially by ane sae
nearly related till her as mysel' -- that's no the real
grund o' her aversion ava. Not to speak in parables, I
wud say that the Cookery Skule had only a very indirect
hand in renderin' itsel' odious in the eyes o' my beloved
spouse, wha', to her credit be it said, is just as fond
o' pies an' puddin's an' puff pastes, an' things o' that
sort -- ay, an' just as clever at the manufacture o' them
-- as ony woman within the sphere o' my acquaintance. The
real truth o' the matter is, that if there hadna been a
Cookery Skule a certain mischanter that recently befell
her would not have happened; but then, as I've tauld her
a hunder times, the blame o' said mischanter did not
attach to the Cookery Skule, but to hersel'. The thing fell oot in the manner followin: -- Mrs Clippins happened to look in on Tibbie an' me ae forenicht, wi' the view o' gettin' a pot o' blackberry jam to cure a sair throat that one o' the twinnies was labourin' under, when the conversation turned on the Cookery Skule. Mrs Clippins had that very day been gettin' a lesson in the airt o' makin' labster sauce, or something o' that sort, an', as a maitter of coorse, she fell a tellin' Tibbie hoo the thing was dune. I forget a' the oots an' ins o't, for, as I was busy readin' the papers at the time, I paid little attention to the conversation; but the short an' the lang o' the business was that Tibbie engaged to get a labster an' subject Mary Ann's precepts to the test o' practical experiment. So the very next mornin' after breakfast Tibbie speers at me if I wasna gaun doon the toon ony time through the forenoon. I confessed that I didna ken o' ony business requirin' me tae tak' sic a stap, but that if she had ony bit errant to the toon I wis prepared to obey her behests 'Very weel,' quo' she, takin' half-a-croon oot o' her pooch and slippin't into my loof, 'ye'll gang yer wa's doon to Union Street or Crichton Street an' buy a labster.' 'A labster!' quo' I. 'What i' the warld's earth are ye to do wi' a labster? Labsters are no for common folks eatin'.' quo' I, 'an' I wad as soon eat a gude partan as a labster ony day. A labster is a luxury that only millionaires can indulge in. Wad a half dizzen o' gude rizzered haddies no be a mair profitable investment?' 'I'm no thinkin' o' profit ava, Tammas,' she replied wi' a half-displeased curl on her lip; 'I'm gaun to mak' an experiment. I've as gude a richt to mak' an experiment wi' a labster as ye hae...' 'Certainly, Tibbie -- certainly,' quo' I in a conciliatory tone. 'I admire experiments. A labster! Ou, ay, ye'se get a labster, if there is sic a thing procurable for love or money within the haill compass o' Britain's Isle, lat alane Dundee.' Awa' I goes doon the toon an' buys a labster -- a strang, lively, healthy-lookin' substantial labster -- for whilk I paid three shillin's, bein' a saxpence mair than Tibbie had allowed for't, but, as the man said, they were dear because they were very scarce, owing to the great demand that had sprung up for them since the Cookery Skule was started. 'Juist sae,' said I to mysel', 'Tibbie's no singular; there maun be mair folk than her makin' experiments wi' labsters.' I grudged sair to gie awa' sae muckle siller for sae sma' an eemage, but neverthelesss I paid the chairge, an' marched hame wi' my precious purchase rowed up in a bit o' an auld newspaper. I hadna gane a dizzen yairds when I was startled frae my reverie by feelin' an excruciatin' pain in the little finger o' the hand wherein I was carryin' the labster. I had eneugh ado, I can tell you, to refrain frae roarin' oot 'murder!' for the pain was something mair than I could weel thole in silence. Instinctively I endeavoured to transfer the labster to the ither hand, but sune discovered that the process o' transference was to be a dreigh job. The truth gleamed into my understandin' like a flash o' lichtnin' that the savage monster had managed somehoo to get my curnie wurnie (as we used to ca' oor little finger when I was a youngster) into its ill-faured claws. 'Ye devil's buckie!' I yelled oot, in the extremity o' my unspeakable agony, 'wull ye let go yer handy grips, an' be hanged ti' ye?' Bit I micht juist as weel have spoken to the stanes o' the wa'. It paid nae attention whatsomever to my cry o' distress. Never a bit did it relax its hold, but rather grippit the harder the mair I howled an' remonstratit. I've read i' the 'Scots Worthies' an' the 'Clud o' Witnesses' aboot the thoom-screw an' the boots -- instruments o' torture that were greatly used aboot the period when the 'Confession o' Faith' was drawn up -- to convince the erring an' convert them to a proper way o' thinkin'; but never had I been able fully to realise the pangs the puir misguidit victims had to endure until I sheuk hands wi' that labster. Oh, it was dreadfu'! I thocht every moment the bane wad be grused thegither like an egg shell. I had a gude mind to dash the cruel tyrant against the wa', an' mak an end o't; but not wishin' to disappoint Tibbie, because it was the last labster the man had in his shop, besides bein' sweer to destroy three shillin's worth o' live stock at a single blow, I made up my mind to seek deliverance by mair pacific means. The pain I was endurin' suggestit to my mind the pangs o' the toothache, an' that again, by what is ca'd the association o' ideas, suggestit an adjournment to the dentist 'Ken ye, if there's a dentist nearby?' I inquired o' a gentleman wha happened to be passin. The man looked me hard i' the face, and kindly speir'd if it was toothache that was the matter wi' me. 'Toothache!' I roared. 'No, hang it, no, sir. It's a labster.' 'Alabster,' quo' the man in evident astonishment. 'That's surely a new disease. Is it painful, sir?' 'Tremendous,' quo' I; an' as the brute at this moment put on another turn o' the screw, I howled oot -- 'Ah, ye relentless monster, ye'll hae my finger aff belyve, if ye gang on at that rate.' The man lookit quite bumbased, an' proceedit to enquire in a kind way in what region o' my body corporate I felt the pain. 'I' my little finger,' quo' I, pointin' to the paper parcel wi' my right hand, for I durstna budge my sufferin' member i' the least lest I should thereby provoke my persecutor to apply additional force to his nippers. 'It's a labster that's bitin' me, sir, an' if ye could direct me to a dentist I wad be eternally obleeged t'ye.' I believe if I had been labourin' under ony o' the common ailments that flesh is heir to the man wad have been prompt to commiserate my fate in a truly Christian manner, for he had the look o' bein' a kind-hearted, compassionate gentleman, but the instant he was made aware o' the nature o' my malady he burst forth into an uncontrollable paroxysm of demoniacal laughter, whilk was, nae doot, marrow to his banes, but failed to impart the sma'est iota o' comfort an' consolation to me. Haigh, I can tell ye it was nae lauchin' matter. 'Sir,' roared I, in a fit o' indignant desperation, 'if ye hae ony bowels o' compassion within ye tell me if ye ken whaur I can find a dentist.' 'Round the corner there,' quo' he, pointin' the way wi' ane o' his hands an' wi' the ither dichtin' frae his cheeks the tears that had flowed frae the fountain o' his unseasonable hilarity. Withoot wastin' a single moment in thankin' him for the information I ran off in the direction he had pointed oot an' found the residence o' the dentist, wha seemed raither astonished when I explained the nature o'my complaint. 'Tak' yer nippers,' quo' I -- 'the nippers ye draw teeth wi', an' see if they are fit to overpower the claws o' that vile labster, an' be as quick as ye can, like a man, for my finger is endurin' something far waur than the pains o' purgatory.' 'D'ye believe in purgatory?' quo' he, takin' the thing quite coolly, and reengin' aboot in his drawers, as I thocht, for his nippers, but, as it turned oot, for a sma' bottlie, labelled 'poison.' 'I don't believe in purgatory,' he continued, as he steekit ae e'e an' peered through the bottlie atween him an' the licht wi' the ither. 'You have been reading what is in the papers about eternal punishments?' 'There's punishment enough for me i' this bit paperie,' quo' I, pointin' impatiently to the parcel wherein was my tormentor, 'an' if ye'll only gie me immediate deliverance frae this deil's buckie o' a labster I'se grudge ye neither thanks nor payment for yer trouble.' 'Let me see it,' quo' he, takin' a haud of the afflicted member, an' causin' the vicious monster to redouble its deevilishness. I near hand faintit ootricht. Cautiously removin' the paper, the teeth-extractor scrutineezed the brute for a wee, an' havin' found oot whaur its head was -- a thing not easily ascertained in the case of some' o' thae submarine monsters -- he dextrously squirted a little o' the liquid oot o' the aforesaid poisonous bottlie into its mooth. The effeck was perfectly miraculous. The instant it got a snifter o' the chloroform -- for that I learned was the particular drug employed -- the rascal let go his hold an' I was free! The mark o' the beast was on my little finger for a month afterwards. 'Thank ye sir,' quo' I to my deliverer, 'an' noo what's yer charge?' 'Oh, nothing at all,' said he; 'it's the first operation of the kind I ever performed, and we don't charge for first operations. I rather owe you something for the experience I have derived from the unique operation. The lobster will be quiet enough till you get it home, I daresay.' 'It's no dead is it?' quo' I. 'Dead! No,' said he. 'It's only in an anaesthetical state. It'll become lively enough by-and-by.' The man never said a truer word in his life. It did become lively eneugh in a' conscience. But I see I'm owre near the end o' my tether to gie ye the finish up o' the business at the present heat, an' so remains yours, TAMMAS BODKIN.' |
| (Reproduced from The Language
of the People, William Donaldson (Aberdeen
University Press, 1989)
For the next episode of Bodkin v. Labster, click here. For info about William Latto, maker of Bodkin, click here. Ur you fae Dundee, OR ur ye gaun back tae the Front Cover? Labsters! I see labsters! |
